Joey Ryan’s “Penis Party” (very late) results

I finally had a chance to watch Joey Ryan’s “Penis Party” which took place on 4/5/19 in Midtown Manhattan. Excalibur and Don Callis were the announcers.

This show is now available on Highspots Wrestling Network but it originally aired live on FITE.

Joey Ryan came out to the ring with the Penis Druids. He welcomed the crowd and said this was his version of WrestleMania. He asked the crowd to stand up and point at his penis like it was the WM sign.

Ultimo Dragon (with Sonny Onoo) vs. Puma King vs. Shark Boy vs. Black Taurus vs. Mr. Iguana vs. Green Ant

Dragon got the pin on Shark Boy with a la mastral cradle.

Iguana ended up with a really blood gash on top of his head after a dive to the outside. Everyone shook hands afterwards and Dragon bowed to the crowd. Onoo had a huge smile on his face the whole time looking very happy to be there.

DJZ and Shigehiro Irie vs. Bestia 666 and Arez

DJZ and Irie got the pin double after a spiked piledriver on Aris right on top of Bestia. They all showed respect afterwards.

Lots of dangerous and innovative looking stuff in this one. Arez gave Irie a Northern Lights Suplex. Irie gave Bestia a running powerslam turned into a tombstone.

Tracy Smothers vs. Su Yung

Smothers got the pin after using Yung’s kendo stick as a weapon. The ref was briefly bumped by a Yung back hand when he tried to stop her from using the mandible claw.

Total comedy match that saw Smothers cutting several offensive promos on the crowd. Lots of stalling before it actually started. Smothers used the basic “old school” heel tactic moves on Yung.

Allie and Rosemary vs. Thunder Rosa and Holidead

Allie and Rosemary got the simultaneous pins on Rosa and Holidead.

Lots of crotch comedy spots in this one. Rosa and Holidead had Allie and Rosemary in an armbar and they were screwing around by grinding their crotches hard their arms. Allie and Rosemary took advantage and cradled them for the double pins.

David Arquette (with DDP) vs. Timothy Thatcher

Callis said Arquette is in a long list of former great WCW Champions “like Vince Russo”.

Thatcher got the win by submission with a Boston Crab.

Thatcher dominated the whole match with strikes and submission holds. Arquette managed to get in a few bits of offense like a sunset flip and an O’Connor Roll. Excalibur and Callis said Thatcher went easy on him. Callis said he wants to see Arquette face people like Tracy Smothers and New Jack.

Dan Barry vs. Bill Carr in a Death Match

Carr got the pin after a Canadian Destroyer on a door and mousetraps. They hugged after it was over.

It started off as comedy then went hardcore. It wasn’t bad but went too long and they did the typical modern hardcore match stuff. Carr was bleeding bad early on after a barbwire bad to the head. They used a stapler and wooden doors. There were a few times it looked it was over but wasn’t. Barry gave Carr a DVD through a door in the ring but Carr kicked out. Carr gave Barry a powerbomb onto the door covered in mousetraps at first but Barry kicked out at one.

Battle Royal for the DDT Heavymetalweight Championship:

Yoshihiko, the infamous blowup doll, won the title by crab submission on Makoto Oshi.

Danshoku Dino was the champion going into the match and he stated it off. He did all kinds of comedy with his bare ass and unfortunately he wasn’t the only one in the match doing it. MAO, Antonio Honda, Sanshiro Takagi, and Tokyo Joshi Pro’s Maki Itoh were also in this thing.

Dino and Oshi did the upside down “butt slamming” spot in the corner that has gone viral across the internet. Itoh’s head was shoved between their bare backsides and “smashed” like she was in a compactor. That sent her reeling over the top rope to be eliminated.

Needless to say a total comedy match with lots of “ass stuff” going on.

Tommy Dreamer, Colt Cabana, and Mike Babchik (Sirius Radio host) vs. Matt Stryker, Trent Beretta, and Chuck Taylor with Jerry Lynn as special guest referee

Babchik pinned Stryker after a DDT with an assist from Dreamer. After the match Beretta and Taylor hugged Lynn but they wanted nothing to do with Stryker.

Johnny Penis (aka Johnny Impact) and Taya Valkyrie vs. Pentagon Jr. and Fenix

Penis and Valkyrie with a simultaneous pin on Penta and Fenix when Penis pinned Fenix after Starship Pain and Valkyrie pinned Penta after a spear.

Joey Ryan, Sexxxy Eddy, and Val Venis vs. Scarlett Bordeaux, Session Moth Martina, and Priscilla Kelly

Bordeaux and Martina came out together and Kelly was the last person out with Bloody Tampon Druids.

The ring announcer introduced Kelly as “the girl who broke the internet”.

Kelly got the pin on Ryan after her wrap around neckbreaker off the rope.

This was the typical penis comedy stuff that I guess everyone expected it would be.

Eddy did a spot where his penis became like a “magnet mind meld” and everyone in the ring, including the referee, struggled to prevent themselves from touching it.

Val Venis put a towel around his waist and wiggled his hips like the old WWF Attitude Era days. That caused Martina and Bordeaux to “faint” with excitement. Kelly wasn’t buying it and began to argue with Venis.

Venis then did his “Hello, Ladies!” catchphrase as Martina and Bordeaux convulsed on the mat as if they were having multiple orgasms.

Kelly finally looked like she was going to consider touching Val’s penis, but Martina shoved her out of the way. She looked down Val’s trunks with excitement then dragged him out of the ring by the arm and to the back to hook up with him. They eventually made their way back into the match.

They did a spot where Eddy accidentally fell face first into Ryan’s crotch and everyone else fell behind Eddy’s backside in chain line up to make it look like they were eating each other out. Eddy got up and had a yogurt substance in his mouth to make it look like Ryan ejaculated in his mouth. (No, I’m not making this up)..

The women left the ring and came back out dressed as bloody tampons. Martinez did a dive through the ropes and landed on all three guys on the outside. Bordeaux and Kelly jumped off the top rope on everyone below.

After the match, Ryan thanked the women for the match and thanked the fans for coming. He joked that he can’t even win on his own show. He said “see you next year”. There were some sporadic empty seats but it looked like a good crowd considering they were up against NXT Takeover.

I can see why the style and comedy isn’t for everyone. To me it’s already becoming played out and unoriginal. Fans, and those in the industry, code word it now as “performance art”. This is the level of stuff you can see on a comedy night at any gay club from NYC to West Hollywood.


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